Saint Ereotype's Church

In the spinney on a still Sunday morning, it's always nice to hear the music drifting across the village green from Saint Ereotype's church.

The parish of Saint Ereotype has special dispensation from the diocese. It is allowed to conform to every cliched opinion held about the Church of England by the average person who gets their information from television, or from occasional visits for baptisms or Christmas.

As a result, although the congregation only numbers about thirty adults, the church has a full contingent of clergy, which it doesn't have to share with another parish. The vicar of Saint Ereotype's is a  plump, jolly lady in her 40s with a colourful taste in jumpers and poor dress sense in the way of clerical blouses.  Meanwhile the curate is a chinless wonder with an effeminate manner and round glasses.

They never hold a communion service, although they have frequent baptisms. And although they have a full-time paid organist and robed choir, the music each week consists of the same hymns: "Morning has broken"; "Lord of the Dance"; "One more step along the world I go" and "Give me Oil in my Lamp". For evensong, they replace "Morning has broken" with "Abide with me".

The congregation at Saint Ereotype's holds a collection during the service every week, but the total tends to be about £2.50. This is however not a problem as, being a branch of the Social Services, all the church's outgoings, including the vicar's comfortable stipend, are paid for by the government.

The vicar actually lives in the church. She lives in constant fear of the Archdeacon, who comes to see her on a weekly basis. Apart from Sunday services, baptism services and the weekly PCC meeting, the vicar does no work. So she can spend her time exchanging jovial but insubstantial chat in the pub, and roaring around on her motor-bike. The PCC doubles with the local civil parish council, to which nobody is ever elected as all are life-members.

Meanwhile the curate is responsible for running the Youth Club, which consists of a group of well-behaved kids who play table tennis before getting together for his "Epilogue". There is one member of the Youth Club who used to be a bit of a wild lad, but he's been so impressed with the vicar's modern ways and Harley Davidson that he's settled right down now.

So all in all it's a good life at Saint Ereotype's. In fact apart from the occasional bitter disagreement that ends with hilarious consequences, the main cloud on the congregation's blue sky is the vicar's sermons. They're well-meaning and thankfully free of any reference to the Gospel, but at 4 minutes and 10 seconds the congregation suspects they may be slightly too long for a genuinely stereotypical sermon. Still, you can't have everything, can you?